In the third installment of SAFER’s mini-webinar series, Trainings Coordinator Erin Burrows explains how survivor support services can and should fit into a university’s sexual assault policy!

The words “Rape Culture” are often scoffed at in society and categorized as just a radical viewpoint of feminists. But I’d like to disprove that it is a radical viewpoint and also just note that feminists do not hate men. So as you read, please disembark any negative thoughts you may have about feminism and keep your mind open to the fact that we do, indeed, live in a rape culture.

Rape culture describes a culture in which sexual violence is common and the attitudes, norms, practices, and media condone, normalize, excuse, and/or tolerate sexual violence. It is hard to argue that this does not happen in our society here in the United States. Look at rap music. Look at movies such as The Girl with Dragon Tattoo and the American classic, Forrest Gump. Remember the riots and support for Joe Paterno at Penn State at the end of last year. Look at most advertisements that objectify women. The list can go on.

We have normalized the idea that women are not worth dignity and respect. We have accepted that women’s rights are violated and well, that’s just the way it is. We do not get angry when we see photos of women being objectified, disrespected, or assaulted. We do not believe victims of sexual assault, instead, we victim blame due to how much she drank, the clothes she was wearing, the bar she was at, or who her group of friends are.

…That is why when I saw this photo, originally posted at Feministe, I was immediately angry because I know that most people who see it laugh. The owners that put it up probably did it as a joke. I didn’t laugh and I don’t think it’s worthy of “joke status.”

This is the sign on the bathroom door at Heeeey Saxby’s Coffee in Washington D.C. There is no violence in this photo. There is no contact in this photo. But this photo alludes to the fact that women do not deserve respect nor dignity. If they do not deserve it, then sexually assaulting them shouldn’t be a problem. Rape. Culture.

I am engulfed in the work of trying to prevent and one day eradicate sexual violence. Every day I am faced with people pushing back on my passion and brushing off the issue as if it is not a big deal. IT IS A BIG DEAL. Until we can get angry about pictures like this. Until we can start recognizing that women DO deserve respect and to be treated with dignity. Until we can use our consumer power(s) to disable profitable entities from contributing to the rape culture. Until women are no longer objectified, violated, oppressed, isolated, and assaulted. It is not until all of these things are accomplished that we will end rape culture. So until then, pictures like this are a big deal…not a laughing matter.

I am pretty tired of the “shit people say” meme, but this one is too spot on (sadly) not to post. I especially like how it covers so many different people and types of relationships (men, women, queer relationships, married folks, sex workers)…

Last week, a friend approached me with an all too common problem. She said a friend of hers admitted that a close friend of theirs sexually assaulted her, and didn’t know what to do or say.  Being the first person someone tells about a sexual assault can be overwhelming, and it can be hard to find the right words to say. Especially if it involves good friends.

Before you start talking, try to understand what your friend is going through:

• Remember that your friend has been through an emotionally painful, traumatic experience. Your friend may act differently after the assault. Some of your friend’s reactions may be hard to watch, but your “being there” for your friend can help a lot.
• Be patient and understanding. The trauma of a sexual assault does not go away quickly. It may take a while for your friend to recover. Sometimes friends and family members expect sexual assault victims to be “over it” in a few weeks. Understand that the pain the victim feels, and the symptoms, may last for a long time.

Here are some important tips for helping a friend if they have recently experienced a rape or sexual assault:

Be aware of your own feelings about sexual abuse.
If you are uncomfortable talking about this issue, it is okay. Helping the survivor identify who might be able to talk with them about the issue can also be supportive.

Try to respond calmly and openly.
Hearing about sexual abuse can be difficult. It can be very helpful to a survivor if you remain calm and non-judgmental. Also, provide a safe environment for discussion.

Refrain from negative comments about the perpetrator.
Keep in mind that most often, about 85% of the time, individuals who are sexually assaulted/abused are assaulted by someone they know. As a result they may have mixed feelings about the person.

Do not interrogate.
Let the individual tell you about the abuse on his/her terms. Do not pressure the person but let him/her talk when they are comfortable.

Let the individual know that you believe him/her.
Fear of not being believed is a concern expressed by many survivors. Being believed is important for people of all ages and helps eliminate feelings of guilt or shame.

Commend the survivor for talking and reaching out for help.
Talking about the abuse is often a big step. Acknowledge this.

Assure the survivors that they are not to blame for the assault.
Survivors often have deep feelings of guilt or shame about the abuse. Only sexual offenders are at fault for the abuse. No one asks to be raped or assaulted.

Respect the privacy of the survivor.
Do not share what was told in confidence. If you think another person would be better able to help, give the survivor that person’s name.

Provide information about supportive services.
Do not force the survivor to seek out supportive services. Survivors of sexual assault need to regain a sense of control over their lives. Instead, help them locate the correct information and, if appropriate, offer to accompany them.

Encourage the survivor to obtain a medical examination.
If he or she has not done so already, encourage them get a medical examination. But in other respects, resist your natural desire to give advice. Allow the survivor to make their own decision about their next steps.

 [Sexual Assault Support Services - http://www.sassnh.org/find-help/how-to-help-a-friend.cfm]

Sometimes there are helpful things to say, but sometimes there aren’t. One thing I’ve learned while in my position as President of Students Active for Ending Rape at Ithaca College is that sometimes the best thing you can do is just unconditionally listen. Just listen to your friend, who may be trying to make sense of what happened to them. I found that a common obstacle for survivors of sexual assault is the inability to put his or her feelings into words. I believe that allowing them to talk without the fear or judgment or anger can help the survivor sort out their feelings. Also, accept their choice of solution to the assault even if you disagree with what they have chosen to do. It is more important that they feel empowered to make choices and take back control than it is to impose what you feel you think is the correct decision.

Last but not least, don’t forget, take care of yourself. If someone you know is assaulted or raped, you may feel upset. Even if your friend doesn’t want to talk to a counselor, you can get support for yourself. Talking to a counselor can help you understand your own reactions and what you and your friend are going through. A counselor can also give you ideas about how to help your friend.

If you haven’t already caught wind of Men Can Stop Rape’s new campaign, you should head over to their website and check it out.  It’s called WHERE DO YOU STAND? and encourages young men to be active bystanders.

You can purchase these posters on their website.  Men Can Stop Rape also offers training for professionals and peer educators informed by research about young men’s perceived barriers against intervening in situations involving potential sexual assault.

Are you currently living in New York and interested in being part of an amazing volunteer collective? SAFER is looking for a Trainings Coordinator to join the team! I’ve included a description of this position below, but you can also find this volunteer listing on Idealist!

Trainings Coordinator

Students Active for Ending Rape (SAFER) is devoted to empowering college students to change how their schools prevent and respond to sexual violence by providing them with resources to help build successful grassroots sexual assault policy reform campaigns. SAFER trains students in effective organizing tactics and encourage them to examine the overlapping links between sexual assault and all forms of individual and institutional violence. Our goal is to ensure that every college puts in place prevention programs, crisis services, disciplinary procedures, and community outreach programs that challenge the oppressions that ultimately cause sexual violence.

SAFER is operated and governed by a diverse Board of Directors. The Board of Directors works as a volunteer collective, determining the policies and overall strategy of this nationally recognized nonprofit, largely operating by consensus. This intimate connection to the work and the field provides each member of the Board with an opportunity to actively create social change while gaining professional nonprofit management experience in a non-hierarchical setting. Our approach to running the organization provides a platform to strengthen one’s personal and professional skills while connecting to a greater network of like-minded advocates and activists.

SAFER is currently seeking a new Board Member to fill the role of Trainings Coordinator. Our Trainings Coordinator oversees the content of curriculum and training materials, trainings promotion and outreach, initial relationship building with campus organizers, supervision of our staff Trainer/Mentors and ensuring the logistical side of trainings is effectively carried out.

The Trainings Coordinator is Responsible For:

• Collaboration with the Communications Coordinators for the promotion of trainings on social media platforms
• Timely response to all trainings inquiries, follow up and documenting inquiries
• Supervision of two staff Trainer/Mentors via a monthly in-person check-in and e-mail
• Coordination of logistics of estimating the trainings cost, contracts, travel and accommodation arrangements and ensuring materials are available for trainings
• Reviewing curricula and materials and updating as necessary
• Reviewing trainings promotional materials including electronic outreach, flyer, sliding scale fee schema and contracts
• Reviewing evaluations and collaborating with Trainer/Mentors to improve current trainings
• Collaboration with the Mentoring Coordinator for smooth programmatic transitions from Trainings to the Activist Mentoring Program (AMP!)
• Innovative outreach strategies such as promotion of trainings during SAFER’s Winter Break Challenge and April’s Sexual Assault Activism Month

Meetings and Commitment:

SAFER holds monthly board meetings, which are currently scheduled for the second Tuesday of the month, 7:00p.m – 9:00p.m at SAFER’s downtown Manhattan office. (Dates are subject to change.)

Board members are active participants in the organization’s overall planning and fundraising efforts and communicate frequently via email–estimated time commitment of three to five hours per week. Board members must reside in the New York Metro Area.

Back in October, SAFER posted about the FBI’s outrageously archaic definition of rape: “The carnal knowledge of a female, forcibly and against her will.”  The agency later said that it had voted to update the definition to more accurately reflect the realities of rape, including the fact that, yes, men can be victims, too.  Now, it’s finally happening.  According to CNN, “[the] Justice Department announced [today] that it is revising a decades-old definition of rape to expand the kinds of offenses that constitute the crime and for the first time, include men as victims.” Huzzah! And congratulations to Ms. Magazine and the Women’s Law Project on their successful campaigns!

The good news here is that some sort of accountability might be the eventual outcome of this story, but the bad news is that (a) it happened at all and (b) that excuses are still being made.

A woman in Upstate New York was serving time for a probation violation in relation to a conviction for unauthorized credit card use (first and foremost, how does such a thing carry a 1 to 4 year prison sentence? **) when she was raped twice by a guard. The guard was already under investigation for raping another inmate, but had not been removed from his duties, reassigned to administrative duties, or even placed under strict supervision – and the investigation was apparently carried out at a snail’s pace. Now the State of New York has been found liable by a judge – how much they will have to pay has not yet been determined.

Props go to the Times-Union Editorial Board for (a) covering the story and (b) calling out the State for its disgraceful failure to fully and quickly investigate and respond to the first claim.

[The court judgment] might have state officials a bit chagrined — or so we’d think. What we’re actually hearing, however, is a more tiresome and more defensive excuse for how the prison system works.

Sorry, but this is the wrong time to hear about how routine the complaints against prison guards are. Or how labor laws make it so hard to suspend corrections officers in cases like this.

What’s so hard about forthrightness, especially now?

An often-made observation here — that to incarcerate someone is to assume responsibility for the safety and health of that person — becomes particularly pertinent.

Check out Just Detention International for more on the scope of sexual assault in prisons and what you can do.

** The guard in this case later admitted to raping the woman and plead guilty. He was sentenced to two months of weekends in jail. I wish I was making this shit up.