i will say that in any situation, “falling down drunk” should be synonymous with “not capable of giving consent.” and being grateful for the company and compliments is never anywhere near “consenting.”

The difference in treatment all goes back to sexism. The patriarchy conditions people to think that women are supposed to be passive and men aggressive so we get this idea that an aggressive crime like rape is only something a man would do and the idea that women aren’t ever enthusiastic about sex. These ideas are wrong.

When are we going to understand that as a ‘movement’ that we need to stop identifying ourselves as anti-sexual violence advocates and start being pro-healthy sex advocates? I, too, believe that when we start allowing young women and men to have healthy relationships with their bodies and each other, that they will be able to discuss sex and enthusiastically consent. (Perhaps even condoms and birth control too?) Unacceptable behavior, like alcohol-induced rape, will decrease as more men begin to see what we see and as other men and women can hold those men accountable.

Also, why was everyone so uncomfortable with the fact that “Flirting with Danger” probably uncovers how young girls and women struggle with a culture that makes simple being a sexual being difficult? “Sexualized aggression” in women’s lives can refer to rape, but it can also refer to degrading music videos or the Madonna/whore dichotomy that also shape our experiences. As prevention advocates we need to look at the whole picture – men AND women’s struggles with sexuality. And we can’t do this by blaming men, ignoring women, and giving confusing messages to the general population.

I think to focus all our Prevention efforts on the male population is extremely short-sighted. Sexual Assault will only end when our entire society (all men, women, and children) has a healthy view of sexuality, is able to talk about sex, and individuals are comfortable discussing the parameters of a sexual relationship before it begins. If we teach everyone to value and respect each person…if we embrace our sexuality and incorporate it into our lives…then we may begin to see changes. Both men and women need to be allowed to discuss their wants and needs, and wishes – mental, physical and emotional.

As far as there being a gray area – as an advocate, if someone tells me they have been raped/sexually assaulted, there is no gray area for me. But I also know that before most victims tell someone they have been raped, they go through an entire internal discussion – “Could I have done something different,” “I didn’t fight back,” “I got drunk,” “We’ve had sex before,” etc. – through which they may explore that gray area. I definitely agree with Adriel in that you can’t just say rape is black and white. I wish it were that easy.

I get your point in answering Anoy, but I simply do not agree with your estimation about the difficulties of raping a drunk man. Does a man need to have an erect penis to be raped? What do you call it if somebody fingers your vagina and masturbates against your thigh? harassment?

One thing that is seldomly discussed when we talk about rape, is “why” men rape. And one thing that is seldomly mentioned in this respect is how women treat mens bodies. This is about macho culture as much as anything else, but if a drunk woman starts touching a drunk man a a party, then he’s culturally expected to enjoy it. Doesn’t anybody think this might warp mens perspectives a bit?

Am I the only one who imagines men to sometimes engage in sex because it’s expected of them and not because it’s what they really want?

Rape is never gray, and rapists should never be explained away. But that should’t keep us from finding the explanations, how else can we be “preventive”?