That’s how Desmond Tutu said it.

Cara at The Curvature gets a little more specific.

I’ve really struggled with how to respond to this situation. How could I show solidarity with BFP, while respecting her stated desire not to create a big nasty fight about which individual was right, and who was wrong? I thought that maybe raising some questions about the larger issues BFP was raising was the best thing to do.

I think that was useful, but I now realize it wasn’t good enough. It’s important for me to make some statement about who was right and who was wrong. Not because I think anyone is a bad person who should be ostracized forever, but because this isn’t about one incident. It is about a larger pattern of appropriation that we, as people with privilege (I don’t know a soul without some form of it) need to take a hard look at and address. By avoiding the issue of responsibility, I became part of the problem, and I can do better.

I truly think that all of us, including rapists and batterers and genocidal maniacs, are trying to do the right thing with the information that we have. I refuse to hate or demonize anyone. I think it is possible for us to speak up about unfairness in the world without resorting to a re-creation of the worldview where some people are “good” and others are “bad.” How different are we, really, from Bill O’Reilly if all we can think to do is claim that, in fact, we are the good people and he is the bad person? Have we really accomplished anything if all we do is reverse the names in the very same story?

So. We are all good people, trying to do the right thing. Some people are extremely confused and misguided about what is useful behavior (like Bill O), some are less confused. But we all fuck up. And it’s not hating on someone to point out that something they’ve done is not okay. If we want to be good allies, we need to understand that sometimes, we WILL be called on our bullshit, because it’s there. And we’re going to fuck up. That’s how we grow. If we’re really serious about healing this world, we’re going to have to check our egos and recognize that this shit runs deep. Not just in other people. In us.

I have yet to meet someone who has never, ever made a mistake. The people I admire most in the world have made mistakes. Martin Luther King, Malcolm X and Gandhi? Sexist as all get out.

How could I ever aspire to be like them if they were perfect?

The important thing is how we respond when we realize we have hurt someone. So, Seal Press and Amanda Marcotte, I encourage you to think deeply about why so much anger has come out of this situation, and consider the incredible power you have to bring about reconciliation by taking responsibility for your inappropriate comments and actions. You might be surprised at how willing people would be to accept an honest apology. After all, we’re not perfect either.