I should probably stay away from most television. I know from the minute I turn it on that something I see will somehow offend me, yet out of boredom, curiosity, and sincere enjoyment I keep returning to my remote. Occasionally, however, I come across something so absurdly gross that I am ashamed by my own pop-culture obsession; ashamed that I continue to support this crap just by tuning in.
Case in point: VH1’s new show, Tough Love. Really, the whole premise of this show is enough to piss me off—a group of women who can’t “find love” or maintain lasting relationships move into a house and undergo “tough love boot camp.” Their instructor is a “professional matchmaker” named Steve Ward who reveals to the women the “harsh reality” of why they are single. (They’re too desperate, too intimidating, too “slutty,” etc.) There are a myriad of reasons why this—and every other self-help book/show/guru, etc. like it—infuriates every intelligent, female bone in my body, but this blog really isn’t the place for that discussion. On Sunday’s episode, though, the show really crossed the line.
At the end of the episode Steve and the women watch clips from the practice dates they’ve been on, and hear feedback from the male dates. Whoever had the worst date, in Steve’s opinion, ends up sitting in “the hot seat” while Steve clues them in to why they will never find love if they keep acting in whatever way it is that he disapproves of. In episode four, the hot seat belonged to Arian, who made the mistake of talking to her date about sex a lot, referencing her breasts, etc. The consensus was that Arian was acting “slutty” and that if she always leads with the sex talk and revealing clothing she will keep attracting men who are only interested in sex. I will forgo the discussion of what it means to call a woman slutty and how much this alone pissed me off, and get to the point: Steve went on to tell Arian that if she kept acting this way, she was going to end up with an STD or raped. (Conveniently, VH1’s clips of this episode don’t include Steve actually saying this, just the before and after. This clip is from right after he says that and Arian flips out.)
I happened to be watching this show on lunch break at work with my coworkers—a group of women who were immediately as horrified as I was. The women on Tough Love, however, were not so bothered by Steve’s assessment of the situation. They chime in about how it’s too bad that he’s right, but they’re all concerned for their friend that she’s going to end up being raped if she keeps acting like that. I think that at the end of the day, that’s really what gets to me. It’s disturbing to watch a man straight-up inform a woman that she is asking for it on national television. It’s more disturbing, to me, to watch a group of women agree. Women aren’t a monolith. We all have different experiences, different opinions, different values, etc. But as a group of people who are disproportionately the victims of sexual assault, and who would most likely all agree that this is a tremendous injustice, it would be amazing if we could all just come together and say: “No women is ever asking for it. A woman should never “expect” to be raped based on her appearance or actions. Saying otherwise absolutely perpetuates a cycle of blaming the victim that ensures rape will never be treated as the serious crime it actually is.” Over at VH1’s website, “Leah” actually posted a comment about the episode titled “Blaming the Victim – totally unacceptable.” The response is sort of interesting—I’d say it’s almost half and half in favor of Leah’s point and half are in the “Steve is right if you act like a slut you’ll get treated like one lol” camp. But what really gets me is the fact that the VH1 message board actually censors the word “rape.” Comments actually end up reading like this: “He was absolutely right in saying what he said. It doesn’t mean *** can ever be excused but face it, you are much more likely to find yourself in a compromising situation (STD or ***) when you behave like a ***.” Perhaps VH1 or Viacom or whoever comes up with the standards rule chose to censor the word rape in to avoid comments from creeps who will threaten other posters. But the end result is that they are really just censoring the entire dialogue surrounding the issue. It’s like a court room in which use of the word rape is banned because it might bias the jury. But let’s tell it like it is, everyone: Steve Ward told a girl that if she continued to act like a “slut” (to be an overtly sexual person, in this case) she might very well get raped. If VH1 can’t handle that word, if they cut it out of the clips and censor it on their message board, maybe they should rethink airing such a revolting, irresponsible statement in the first place.
To add insult to injury, Tough Love is produced by Flower Films, owned by Drew Barrymore and Nancy Juvonen. Flower Films has a history of putting out movies that espouse the usual offensive tropes about women (see: He’s Just Not That Into You). But even though they never really claimed (as far as I know) to be a feminist production company or even to care about the social messages of their work, it still kind of feels like I’m being kicked when I’m down to have two women make it to the top of their field, have the power to make really interesting media, and then keep promoting misogynistic, sexist crap like this. If anyone can find Flower Film’s contact info, please let me know. I’d like to write them a strongly-worded letter.
Wow, horrified. Can’t believe they put this stuff on the air. Also can’t believe people think she is overreacting – when I got that same piece of “advice” from a car full of men driving down my street, I too made the decision that I was living in a place that was a threat to my well being and I needed to move out. If that’s really how Steve thinks about women, I wouldn’t want him anywhere near me either.
Still sort of mind blown by this – did you know that in another episode, Steve teaches them how to correctly wear and pose in sexy lingerie? A photo of which is prominently displayed on the show’s homepage? Short moral of the story: talking about your own sexual desires and dressing sexy for your own pleasure, bad. Learning how to fulfill a man’s sexual desires and dress sexy for his pleasure, good. SO glad the show has such an enlightening perspective…
I’m never particularly surprised to see women in positions of power replicating patriarchy… After all, why do you think they were allowed to get to that position of power in the first place? Hello Condoleeza Rice!
I often think about the patriarchal nature of female-dominated spaces… I mean, why are pre-schools such breeding grounds for patriarchal indoctrination? They’re pretty much completely controlled by women, so what’s going on? It’s stuff like that that makes me far more interested in changing structures than engaging in identity politics. Oppressed identities are, by their nature, imposed and socially constructed… The identities don’t actually speak to our experience. So there will always be trouble organizing around those identities. Hrmm. I’m still struggling with how to best approach the fact that our imposed identities matter, without falling into those typical traps of identity politics.
Thanks for writing this. I feel like I should also blog about it, but I’m sort of afraid of the whole “why were you watching that junk in the first place? what did you expect?” response.
I haven’t looked for Flower Films, but I did find some contact info through Steve’s matchmaking site. I wrote my own strongly worded letter addressed to Steve Ward, but who knows whether he’ll ever actually read it.
Granted, this show is far from being the perfect reality show (is there even such a thing?), but I do not disagree with Steve’s caution to Arian.
Of course no woman should ever have to expect to be raped for acting however she likes, but if she is in a position where the lines of what is appropriate and what is not are blurred (whether she put herself in that situation knowingly or not), then why shouldn’t she be extra careful? And why shouldn’t there be someone– be it her mom, dad, brother, sister, friend, host of a reality show– who will make her aware of the possible situations? If anything, maybe he should have worded it differently for sensitive ears, but I honestly see no harm in guided caution.
Samantha–I think there is a difference between what happened on the show and the kind of “cautioning” you’re talking about. Choosing to accompany a friend to the subway at night in a neighborhood with a high crime rate, for instance, is the kind of thing I think of when it comes to trying to protect a loved one from the unfortunate realities of the world. Equating “sluttiness” with the possibility of rape is rather different for a ton of reasons, including: 1) it implies that if she was demure she would somehow be more protected from becoming a victim of sexual assault, which isn’t really true; 2) it implies that men easily turn into assailants when confronted with a women who is showing off her body or talking about sex, which should not be an acceptable assumption; and 3) it is the beginning of a fall down a very slippery slope: you say what’s the harm of cautioning a woman if she “is in a position” that may be unsafe, but Steve is explicitly saying to this woman “you are PUTTING YOURSELF IN a position to be raped.” The agency there is in her court–she is the actor, she is the one whose behavior is in question. If she “should have known better” than to dress/act a certain way because she was “putting herself in THAT position,” then what is to stop us from saying “well, she was asking for it.”?
L–thanks for reading. Maybe I will try emailing Steve (and his mother, for that matter, who he works with and who appears with him on the show).
Ashley–You raise a really good point that I was thinking about when I went to sleep after writing this. I don’t really know how to negotiate the issue either. I also wish I could explain why I still feel so compelled by identity politics, even though I know that at the end of the day, not only is it not the most useful way to approach an issue, it can often be destructive for many of a movement’s participants (i.e., women of color not feeling represented by “white feminism, etc.”). But I think part of it for me goes back to this Kathleen Hanna zine piece (http://www.geocities.com/nikkirk/jigsawyouth.html) I read when I was really young that always always sticks with me. She wrote:
“Resistance is everywhere, it always has been and always will be. Just because someone is not resisting in the same way you are (being a vegan, an ‘out’ lesbian, a political organizer) does not mean they are not resisting. Being told you are a worthless piece of shit and not believing it is a form of resistance. One girl calling another girl to warn her about a guy who date raped her, is another. And while she may look like a big haired makeup girl who goes out with jocks, she is a soldier along with every other girl, and even though she may not be fighting in the same loud way that some of us can (and do) it is the fact that she is resisting that connects us, puts a piece together.”
There’s definitely part of me that still believes in a “girl army” (that may indeed have boy soldiers in it) with soldiers of widely varying capacities for fighting. But I don’t know…that may be an idea in my heart I know I have outgrown.
why shouldn’t she be extra careful? And why shouldn’t there be someone– be it her mom, dad, brother, sister, friend, host of a reality show– who will make her aware of the possible situations? If anything, maybe he should have worded it differently for sensitive ears, but I honestly see no harm in guided caution.
For one thing, I agree with Sarah that Steve — and most other people, men and women alike — is not offering “guided caution” by telling Arian she’s essentially responsible for any sexual crime committed against her. As I wrote in my letter to Steve, “Nothing a victim does, wears, says, drinks, eats, thinks, or believes MAKES a rapist commit rape. Only rapists are responsible for rape.” I get that there are situations that might be higher risk for rape — e.g., a large percentage of sexual assault involves alcohol somehow — but the only real, tangible thing that increases a woman’s chance of getting raped is being targeted by a rapist who chooses to rape her.
Besides, it hurts to read over and fucking over again that there’s something women can do to avoid rape. I was raped. By my (then) boyfriend, six months into our relationship, in my own apartment. What should *I* have done differently? You might as well tell me and every other woman on the planet that we should not leave the house or talk to men because we’re putting ourselves in a situation where we might be raped.
The last thing I wanted to say is that, ffs, women are aware of the risk of being raped. We do NOT need to be reminded by anyone that we are constantly targets for rape, especially some douchebag reality tv show host who apparently actually hates women. Considering 1 in 6 women have been sexually assaulted (and the number is probably much higher than that in reality, as this statistic is based on reported SA), it’s not as if we need reminders.
Warning women to avoid rape by changing their behavior amounts to real-life concern trolling, as I see it.
I will echo Sarah in saying that it’s not “guided caution” that Steve is talking about. If this woman Arian is into being a little more sexual than Steve wants, that’s her prerogative. It is not anyone’s right, however, to stop her from being who she is, by physically attacking her, and threatening her personhood. Anyone has a right to be themselves, without worrying about being raped! It’s funny because what happens is that the perpetrator is actually painted as someone without any thought process. He couldn’t help himself. Which is b.s. through and through. There’s no reason to blame anyone for another person’s actions. As a friend put it: “just cuz i’m passed out drunk in the bushes, and I ask you to piss on me, does not mean that you should.” I realize this is a bit of a troublesome analogy, but I hope that it calls attention to the foolishness of Steve’s statement.
Let me make this clear: my intentions are NOT link behavior and being raped. There is no excuse because there is no logic to it. I agree, that sexual assaults know no boundaries, race, gender, actions, or what have you. In no universe is it the victim’s fault– ever.
I’ve been reading the responses and I now see that Steve was out of line in how he said it, but from my interpretation, it was for good intentions. I was not saying that a person should be careful so that he or she won’t be blamed for the situation. I am saying that a person should be careful for his or herself. If you have a car, do you not lock it regardless of the crime rate? Let’s say that one day, you don’t lock the car. If someone decides to steal the car, it was not because you didn’t lock it. The robber is at fault for the whole situation anyway, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop locking my car. And that serves as my analogy for the day, ladies and gentlemen, please bear with me.
I also don’t agree that everyone is aware. Yes, many people know that it happens, but no one ever thinks that it could ever happen to them. Situations like these are not something they take into account to their own reality. So continuing widespread caution, even redundant as it may be, is important and should not be reduced to assumption.
I think that regardless of personal idiosyncrasies and views, we’re all standing on some kind of common ground. You might disagree with my push for precaution and preventive measures, but all I know is that for my daughter, I will tell her to be cautious and warn her about dangerous situations not because I think she is weak and mindless, but because she is too precious to me to see her go through any of that.
Of course I tell the women I know and love about things that may help keep them a bit safer, like keeping an eye on their drink. But there are two huge issues with this. First, even if I get the women I know to watch their drinks, the rapist will find someone who looks away for a second. Maybe it won’t be my friend, but SOMEONE will be victimized, and that is unacceptable to me. The key to stopping rape is stopping rapists, not changing the behavior of potential victims.
Second, it’s important to accept that you can’t prevent your anyone’s being raped, and neither can potential victims. Only a would-be rapist can do that. One key reason it’s important to understand this is because THE single best predictor of a survivor’s mental health outcome following an assault is the degree to which they blame themselves. If they blame the perpetrator, they will be healthier and happier. So if you teach your daughter that she can prevent her own rape, and (God forbid) she is assaulted, her healing from that experience will be impeded. And so will yours, since you will feel like you somehow failed her by not teaching her whatever it is that you think would have prevented the assault.
Sarah M–I think identity politics are compelling because our identities have been so strongly imposed on us that they do carry meaning. I think the key is finding a way to do activism that separates the fact of the imposed identities (woman, man, black, white, etc.) and their very real effects from our actual lived experience, which is more complex. We have to respond to oppression based on our identities with the clear understanding that these identities themselves are imposed by oppressive structures. That means you have to talk about the identity, because it matters, even if you didn’t choose it. But you also have to be able to respond to the way that identity was intentionally structured in such a way as to create division and inability to organize against oppressive systems.
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I think all the comments on this page are hilarious. Everyone here is dealing with the “rape” word and missing the bigger picture. So let me first deal with it as well.
It is very true that we live in a world where people are robbed, raped, and murdered. And I really do understand the comments on this page about rape not being the victims fault. That is ABSOLUTELY true. Rape is NEVER the victims fault. Rape is ALWAYS that fault of the raper. That fact goes without arguing.
Question) In what group of people is rape most prevalent? Rape is most prevalent in prostitutes. Not don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying that rape doesn’t happen to other people, because sadly it does. Rape happens to every race, creed, career-orientation, etc. But rape is most prevalent in prostitutes. Why? Because they are considered “easy” targets. That’s why mothers, or any of the women on this message board, will not allow their daughters to leave the house dressed in a promiscuous way, or act in a promiscuous way. Why? Not because you can control rape. If someone decides they are going to rape you, that’s not your fault. But because looking or acting in that way, unfortunately increases the risk of rape.
I’m so frustrated because with all the women on here promoting women’s value and writing about identity politics and so on, yet not one of you has made any comment about how Arian portrays herself. Let’s bash Steve for SAYING “rape”, but not talk about what Arian is DOING. Let’s not talk about how Arian is making women out to be only sexual objects. Let’s not say anything about how she is in a bar LIFTING UP her dress to expose her private area to whomever will look. Let’s not say anything about Arian bending over a pool table to expose her breasts to a guy she’s never met before. That’s not bad for women? That’s not an issue that women on here should discuss either? Really?
Listen we don’t live in a utopian society. It would be wonderful if Arian could lift her dress up, bend over and expose her breasts, or walk around naked for that matter, and not become more of a target for a potential rapist. But that’s not the truth. The statistics clearly show that women who act in manner resembling a prostitute are more likely to be raped than women who don’t. That’s a fact.
What’s also a fact is that in a bar, when alcohol is present, inhibitions are weakened and poorer decisions are made. Not to mention that patrons of places like that do range in type. But those places do seem to attract more men of questionable repute than say, Red Lobster.
Now let’s not take Steve’s words out of context. Put them back in context. Steve runs the tape of Arian doing all of these ridiculously demeaning actions to herself and women. What does she do and say after she watches the clip? She laughs and says that the clip is hilarious. And at first Steve is at a loss. He quickly replies that he didn’t think there was anything funny about the clip. It is only after Arian continues to say how she “just wants to have sex”, and she “hasn’t had it in a while”, and “what do you expect her to do in a house full or women,” does Steve reply. Put in context, it is clear to ascertain his meaning. He is not at all saying that women are responsible for rapes. He was just simply warning Arian that behavior in that manner increases the risk of bad things happening, such as STDs or rape.
In conclusion (feel like I’m writing a paper), when taking Steve’s words in context, he wasn’t trying to demean the female gender, or say that it is women’s fault for being raped, or playing identity politics. He was just simply warning Arian that those actions and behaviors are attractors for and increase the risk of bad things happening, since she clearly didn’t seem to know.
Joe-
And I think you’re missing the bigger picture. I am not actually sure that rape is most prevalent among prostitutes, but if it is, what makes them “easy targets” has nothing to do with how they dress. What makes them “easy targets” is that too many people in our society think that violence against them is acceptable because they are women who are openly sexual.
What makes them “easy targets” is that too many cops, prosecutors, and jury members think that if they were dressed liked that, if they were sexual like that, they deserved what happened.
We’re in agreement that Arian should be able to walk around naked and not be assaulted, so the question now is – how do you make that happen?
We don’t make it happen by threatening women with rape if they are open about liking and wanting sex.
We don’t make it happen by perpetuating the same myths about rape – if she’s wearing that, she was asking for it. Women are wearing all kinds of different things when they are attacked, and comments about their clothing or behavior are nothing but excuses for the violence of the perpetrator.
If you don’t think is okay for a man to rape a woman because she is wearing a short skirt, why would you defend another man who implies that it is?
Instead, we make safety happen by calling out people who put the blame back on the woman, no matter how subtly, or with however many claims not to be doing so.
Every woman makes choices about how to deal with the risks posed by the real world we live in, a world that includes some very violent people, and I think part of the offense of Steve’s comments was that he was speaking to a grown woman as if she had never had to confront those risks. Public shaming of a woman by a man for her decisions about how to manage her sexual life seems pretty demeaning to me.
As a final note, there certainly is a possibility, as you raise, that Steve may genuinely be concerned about Arian’s well being. In that most generous interpretation (somewhat mitigated by the evidence of the rest of the show), a public confrontation is never the way to approach such a situation. If you are concerned that someone in your life is taking deliberately large risks out of pain or depression, address those concerns privately and with the assistance of a trained counselor if at all possible.
Nora,
Firstly, I didn’t make any comments blaming Arian’s dress as the problem. It was her behavior that I, Steve, and all of the women on the show found appalling.
Secondly, I wasn’t perpetuating the same myths about rape…”if she’s wearing that, she was asking for it.” I tried to make the point crystal clear that the woman is not to blame, but obviously I failed. Let me try again. The woman is not to blame for rape. Absolutely, positively not. What I am saying is that if you are in a place where alcohol is present, inhibitions are decreased and poorer decisions are made. That combination alone makes for bad results. But when you add a woman who is telling complete strangers that she wants to have sex, feeling them up and asking if they are horny, lifting her skirt up to expose her private parts, bending over to show off her breasts to whomever will look, and other questionable actions, chances are increased that something bad will happen. I hope I am being clear that the woman is not to blame for rape, but that there are certain behaviors that increase the risk.
Lastly, I do agree that under normal circumstances, the concerns that Steve addressed should be handled privately with a trained counselor. However, this is a TV show. This is reality TV. The cameras don’t stop running. And this is what she signed up for, Tough Love.
I came here by accident. I agree with you Sarah, and those who shared similar thoughts on the subject. Having studied criminology, including crimes against gender, I know you come from a learned perspective on the subject.
Joe- you are perpetuating the same old myths about rape. “If she’s wearing that, she was asking for it,” is very much akin to, “a woman is not to blame for rape, but that there are certain behaviors that increase the risk.” You’re playing semantic games that ultimately perpetuate the same old sentiment that what you wear/ or how you act, can increase your chances of rape.
Unfortunately, for you, all crimes usually take place between two people who know each other, rather than at the hands of strangers. So you’re biggest problem is that intimate crimes–such as rape, are under reported.
Secondly, the stats for prostitutes are also undermined by the fact that most hookers won’t report the crime, as doing so might get them in trouble–since prostitution is illegal in most places.
Lastly, it is pretty interesting to note that even when it comes to prostitution, it is the women (hookers) vs the johns (hooker-seekers) who are mostly targeted in crack downs.
Apologies for typos.
Sorry for responding so quickly because I have to respond after the “prostitute” comment. Just a fact from Amnesty International, in America, the ones who live through the horror of rape is Indigenous Americans (Native Americans, American Indians, First Nations, Americans before Columbus, etc.) 1 in 3 for those of the culture and family I share. Plus, noone can truly blame prostitutes on a global basis because most victims and survivors in third world countries are children.
The sad thing is that who but ahe sadistic wishes to have a career in prostitution? Many of these women were abused or molested as children and know of no other way to survive.
Joe, I know you desire to defend your gender…but perhaps it may me more positive to look in the mirror and ponder, “I may be male, but I choose to not perpetuate the present attitudes of the gender but help to change it for all who live on Earth. I cannot help being taught biased U.S. history, but live the truth of those who not only LIVED through the horror, but are EDUCATED in it as well. She was or still is mother, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, friend…
One cannot blame a spirit for their natural behavior, as the first Europeans to land on my home saw skin as “sin”. They also thought bathing daily in the rivers and creeks was “strange”. “Civilization” is from a culture where perfume was invented because alot of Christians feared “God would be washed away”. But that’s just the truth from Monks and other religious officials wrote when they witnessed disease and violence almost wipe out. But U.S. History books would rather perpetuate the myth of their own culture.
Which brings up the point, if someone was responsible for the theft, rape and murder of hundreds, thousands, millions of your family and friends, or in your homeland, would you want their picture on a $20 bill?
Dawn
Oops. sorry for the typos also.
Ok…last time I hope. I forgot to mention that I am a survivor. Every time I was raped (after several years at the hands and genitals of a few men), was by males I thought were friends and my own cousin. I guess I deserved waking up to penis in my mouth after my own 22nd birthday party. He decided I was “hot” a few years later, since he didn’t remember me from high school. Also if the situation of the female is the supposed “reason”, then the children and elderly grandmas were asking or dressing like “whores” for it.
One thing I noticed on the show was how come the women had to change but not the men? Hyprocrisy at it’s best, because he could not have found so many “perfect” men in the same place and time. Also, how is it that NONE of the women found their “match”? Isn’t that their job? They glossed over the fact Steve and his mom were 0 for 8 on the show. In pro sports, they’d be fired after the 1st season.
Anyway, my letter to Master (I guess we’re the slaves) Matchmakers was just responded by Joann Ward. The title, “Way to deep”. I’m just trying to chill before I open it, because I’m inflamed.
I will no longer remain silent…Kill me, but this time I’ll be screaming for those who no longer have a voice.
Dawn
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