I just wanted to quickly share this little document I found this week. It’s from the National Crime Prevention Council and it’s titled the “Dater’s Bill of Rights” . It’s only one page and I just found it as a great reminder that one has rights as an individual when it comes to interpersonal relationships. You don’t have to have your relationship recognized by law (i.e. marriage, domestic partnership) or even by ‘title’ (like girlfriend and boyfriend) to know that you have rights to be treated well.

The entire PDF is here (thanks, National Online Resource Center on Violence Against Women!). It is definitely not complete or perfect, but some of these points seemed like “common sense” or simple and those were the ones that resonated with me the most. I liked the reminders about simple things that we may not remember when we’re caught up on the moment of awkward or intense dating situations. Some of my favourites on the list were

• I have the right to refuse a date without feeling guilty.
• I can ask for a date without feeling rejected or inadequate
  if the answer is no.
• I have the right to start a relationship slowly
• If I am told a relationship is changing, I have the right not to blame or change myself to keep it going.

What are some rules you’d include on a Dater’s Bill of Rights?

Check out our three fall internships and see if any of them are right for you. Our interns are integral to our work each semester—this isn’t a making copies and getting coffee situation, it’s more like producing materials and doing research. Feel free to contact us with any questions: volunteer@safercampus.org.

In July I wrote a long post about alcohol and consent that was sparked by a case out of Lincoln University in PA. A female student reported being raped by multiple men while intoxicated to the point of incapacitation, and this year four of these men were set to go to trial. What makes this case particularly interesting (it kind of grosses me out referring to a rape case as “interesting,” I just can’t think of a better word right now, apologies) is that one of the men confessed to the crime—he admitted to raping this woman (and also to witnessing at least two of the other three defendants doing the same) while she was “passed out.” At some point his conscience kicked in and he stopped, leaving the room. His lawyer tried to argue that this epiphany of conscience should somehow exonerate him, but the jury didn’t agree and he was found guilty.

So when I wrote that post, the other three men were awaiting trial (I want to mention though that Forbes, the one who confessed, said he witnesses 10 men in the room). Their defense seemed to be that they had consensual sex with the woman, and then she was “embarrassed” by having “group sex” and claimed it was rape (even though one of them said that when he left her she was “intoxicated and incoherent. So how does that defense work, exactly?). But we never really got to hear from them, because on July 16 the judge declared a mistrial and the case was dismissed. The reason for the mistrial—the prosecution had not turned over some evidence to the defense.

So what exactly was the evidence in question? The initial report about the mistrial cites two specific pieces of information. 1) Although the victim says that she was drinking with two of the alleged perpetrators and was too drunk to remember much of what happened or to consent, there was a taped interview of a friend of hers in which the friend said she had been with the victim that night and she had actually not been drinking. 2) The A.D.A. also didn’t tell the defense that the complainant had been arrested for shoplifting the previous year and plead guilty to those charges. Had the defense been aware of this, they could have used this to attack her credibility during her testimony, because everyone knows that people who shoplift lie about being raped. Sigh.

Notably, the judge did not only dismiss the case, but did so in such a way that the prosecution would not be able to bring the three men back to trial for the same charges.

So, unsurprisingly the D.A. is appealing this decision, saying that the judge made the decision too quickly and “overstepped his authority” in not allowing the case to be brought back to trial. The A.D.A. who was prosecuting the case claims that she did not purposefully suppress evidence, saying that she thought she had in fact sent them the video interview of the witness, and she had simply “forgotten” to pass along information about the shoplifting conviction.  Meanwhile, the prosecution says of the witness that “[she] had been unreliable in her memory of the incident, was not an eyewitness to the alleged rape, and was not with the woman when she began drinking heavily prior to the incident.”  On top of everything, Forbes is now appealing his guilty verdict based on the mistrial in the case against the other three. Even though he already confessed to the crime.

It remains to be seen whether or not the judge will reverse the decision on the dismissal or hear Forbes’ appeal. I hope the judge takes to heart the words of the D.A.: “Court have recognized that errors at trial can occur” [and that defendants] ‘should not be given a free ride,’ when those errors occur.” While I of course can’t make any claims about what did or didn’t happen in this case, I would hate to see it end this way, without an actual trial. That’s not to say the prosecution didn’t screw up or to downplay the importance of the accused’s due process rights. But nothing about this situation seems to be related to actual justice or accountability.

Sarah’s recent post about the two types of education around sexual violence (risk reduction and primary prevention) and the need for colleges and universities to do WAY more of the latter than they do at present got me thinking about what I take to be some of the broader issues impacting sexual violence – both its occurrence and the conversations we have about it. (This is probably a good time to remind readers that I don’t speak for SAFER in any official capacity. The ideas that follow are my own and don’t necessarily represent the organization as such.)

Many of the items on the “how  to avoid perpetrating sexual assault” checklist which Sarah posted, it seems to me, need to be part of comprehensive, accessible sex education if they are to become visible in popular discourse, much less become behavioral norms.  There are a whole slew of complex issues that contribute to sexual assault, and I in no way want to suggest that quality sex ed is some kind of magic bullet. But I do think that the connection between sex/sexuality and violence so common in our culture is in part bolstered by the fact that many, many young people in this country are not educated about and encouraged to discuss what healthy sexuality and sexual behavior actually look like. Dominant images that portray controlling behavior as evidence of love, characterize sex as a prize to be won through aggression, and depict certain kinds of violence as sexy often go unchallenged, and I’d argue that this is partly because there just aren’t a lot of highly visible alternative images and values out there, and we’re not in the habit of having open, honest, informative conversations with folks (young people) who are in the process of learning about sex and sexuality.

The other thing that got me thinking about this  topic was a study (presented at the most recent meeting of the American Sociological Association) that received some news coverage last week. In part, the research found that sexual activity does not necessarily correlate with lower academic achievement in adolescents. It’s a bit depressing, but not surprising, that this particular finding was the hook for many stories on this study, and presented as “provocative” (to quote the Associated Press article I linked). Not surprising because sexual activity continues to connote delinquency, underachievement, and other signs of ‘trouble’ in teens, especially young women. This is not to say that being sexually active is never correlated with emotional and behavioral issues. Like many other behaviors, it can be a sign that someone is struggling with self-worth.  And (again like many other practices) sexual behavior can be engaged in in a self-destructive way. But putting sexual activity or intercourse in the same category as, say, drug use (that is, defining it as necessarily cause for concern or evidence of compromised emotional health – which is frequently how both are discussed in relation to adolescents) is deeply problematic. Not only does it malign what is in fact a normal component of human development (the emergence of sexual desire and sexual pleasure during puberty), it sets up a binary between “good” and potentially “bad” young people that rests on their relationship to sex and sexuality. I’d argue that this is especially dangerous, and especially relevant to a larger conversation about sexual violence, because it marginalizes teens who are sexually active. And the consequences of this can impede sexual health AND emotional development. To suggest an example: say you’re a sexually active young person who understands that behavior to be defined as “wrong” or “inappropriate.” You’re faced with a situation that feels coercive, or you experience an encounter that leaves you feeling uncomfortable or unsafe. How likely are you to reach out to the adults around you for advice on how to identify and practice respectful, mutually pleasurable sex? Not very, I’d say. Instead, you’ll probably rely on those dominant images and cultural themes – the ones that frequently encourage you to interpret stalking as a sign of love, suggest that if you’re a woman you owe sex to someone you’re dating, and if you’re a man you must always be ready and eager to engage in sex (lest you be labeled less than manly).

I do think the way sex and sexuality are discussed with and in relation to youth plays a huge role in the normalization and trivialization of sexual violence in our culture. And I think that respecting and honoring sexual desires and behaviors in teens and, consequently, incorporating comprehensive sex education that addresses consent, mutuality, and respect has transformative potential when it comes to norms around sex and violence. I wish that the study in question had more to offer here. What it does suggest is that sexually active teens in committed relationships tend not to differ from their non-active peers when it comes to grades and college expectations. (This is the ‘provocative’ part.Young people in sexually intimate relationships don’t ruin their prospects for a fulfilling, successful adulthood! Imagine that. ) It also suggests that teens who engage in casual sex do tend to have lower GPAs and greater rates of school-related disciplinary problems. While the data itself may be accurate, I wish that instead of setting up a dichotomy between teens having “good” and “bad” sex, the study had explored the actual qualities that make sex within committed relationships neutral or even positive (“Teens in serious relationships may find social and emotional support in their sex partners, reducing their anxiety and stress levels in life and in school,” as the AP describes the findings). Many, though not necessarily all, of those qualities can be cultivated even in sexual experiences outside the context of a romantic relations: trust and respect, sensitivity to others’ needs and feelings, willingness to express one’s own needs and feelings, to name a few. And that’s where I think the emphasis should be. It’s not that I’m interested in debating the merits or demerits of what is termed “casual sex,” but rather than I think we miss so many opportunities for positive change when we divert our attention from those core values that contribute to healthy sexuality.

In my opinion, an end to sexual violence will only come about with a transformation of how we educate ourselves and others about sex and sexuality, one that privileges agency over one’s own sexuality and recognition of others as autonomous individuals. Even though sexual desire and behavior is in part biological, it is something that we learn about, and I think we can do much better than we currently do when it comes to responsible education. In the process, perhaps we can turn that checklist and those behaviors that prevent sexual assaults from taking place into habits and values that everyone learns. I think we can all agree that preventing sexual violence is just important as preventing STIs and pregnancy.

If you’re interested in research and policy around sexuality, I suggest checking out the Guttmacher Institute and SIECUS. And if you’re looking for comprehensive, accurate advice and information, Scarleteen has been doling it out for years.

Most people reading this probably won’t remember the name Kyle Payne. His story broke right around the time I started working with SAFER in the summer of 2008, and it stuck with me over the past couple of years. For the best background, I would check out the series of posts that Cara did over at The Curvature, but the brief history is that Payne was an RA (resident advisor) at Buena Vista University in Iowa, who was charged with sexually assaulting an unconscious student and taking naked photographs of her. He pled guilty to the photographing, but not the assault, and was sentenced to 6 months in county jail.

The kicker is that Payne was also a sexual assault advocate. His blog is now set to private, but he used to describe himself there as follows:

Kyle is a social justice educator, writer, and activist. Much of his work is concerned with putting a stop to violence against women. For years Kyle has served as an advocate for survivors of sexual violence and other forms of abuse, in addition to promoting what he calls “a more just and life-affirming culture of sexuality” through activism and education. As a researcher, Kyle has studied the feminist anti-pornography movement and is particularly interested in men’s roles in confronting pornography and the rape culture. In addition to his pro-feminist work, he is involved with anti-racist, free speech, peace, and anti-globalization movements.

As repugnant as this description was in 2008, it gets worse this week as a commenter pointed us to this August 20, 2010 story about how Payne has been arrested again, this time for possession of child pornography:

After Payne told a counselor that he was continuing to use pornography, a police officer and two parole officers went to his apartment in Sioux City August 12 to examine his computer. His parole agreement required that Payne submit to such searches.

They found over 200 animated images of child pornography on the machine, and when questioned, Payne reportedly admitted that they might recover photographic images of actual child sex acts from his hard drive. Officers found software intended to “scrub” computer files to prevent them from being discovered. Payne had reportedly also downloaded child pornography onto his BVU student drive prior to his initial arrest.

It’s bizarre that this story got sent to us today—as we’ve been prepping some resources on housing rights for suvivors, I was just googling the original Payne story YESTERDAY to make a point about how schools need to have protocol for when a perpetrator of sexual violence is a member of the housing/res life staff. Re-reading all of the original posts about him, including the one written here by Ashley, I was again filled with rage at the hypocrisy (which honestly doesn’t seem like a strong enough word) of this man, claiming to be a supporter of women who suffer at the hands of men just like him. And tonight I am angry still, but I am also just deeply saddened by the fact that this story continues; that whatever therapy this man was going through wasn’t enough. So much of what I believe in—my social justice values, you might say—hinges on transformation, learning, redeeming oneself…and then people like this make me second guess the possibility of that at all.

I want to end this by echoing Ashley from two years ago, because it’s still really, really relevant:

This case is an excellent example of one of the myriad reasons a college should make the investment in full-time trained sexual assault advocates. They think that’s too expensive? How much will it cost when the school gets sued because some self-styled student “advocate” sexually assaults the person they’re counseling? How about the lost tuition from students too traumatized to continue with their schooling? The fallout from the suicide that happens when the counseling center is closed?

Seriously, you have three baseball coaches and you can’t hire one person to deal with sexual assault on campus?

For those of you who haven’t heard about Refuse The Silence, it is a project started by Morgane Richardson who is collecting the stories of women of colour are currently attending or graduated from an “elite liberal arts college in the United States.” She got the idea from her experience at Middlebury College – where she noticed that her peers struggled with anxiety, depression, and other pressures while the administrations provided no support.

Her personal statement (which can be found the main site) really resonated with me and I actually submitted my own experience. In my case, a poor sexual assault policy and an indifferent administration led to an experience where being a woman of colour added to the experience of oppressions as a sexual violence survivor. If you haven’t already, check out SAFER’s Activist Resource Center to read about how different identities can intersect and create multiple oppressions on an individual.

Most recently, they’ve have been featured in Feministing, The Burlington Free Press, Bitch Magazine and will be in More Magazine in October for a piece on up-and-coming young feminists. Check below for information on how to submit.

I am looking for vivid and honest personal stories and essays about the experiences of women of color from elite liberal arts colleges throughout the United States.

I am looking to attract submissions that reflect experiences, friendships and realizations made during the college years. Themes to consider include but are not limited to,

• identity
• socioeconomic, cultural, racial issues
• classroom dynamics
• turning points
• depression
• challenging moments
• friendships
• dating
• student/professor dynamics
• sex, sexuality

Contributions will be accepted in the form of a poem, letter, journal entry, personal reflection and/or essay. Entries should not exceed ten pages. Your submissions will be cautiously edited for grammar and comprehensibility. Unfortunately, I will not be able to include everyone’s submissions. Priority will be given to those who submit their work before the September 1st, 2010 deadline.

For more information and to learn how to submit your story visit, http://www.refusethesilence.com. You can also send the founder an email at morgane.richardson@gmail.com or refusethesilence@gmail.com.

Back to school for you means back to work for us! We’re currently looking for three interns for the fall semester to work with us in outreach/communications, policy and research, and development. Full descriptions of the internships and application procedures can be found here. Generally we ask for about 8 to 10 hours a week and that you commit to meeting with us in person once a week. (This is not a go into the office every day kind of thing, most work is done independently). Check em out and see if any sound right for you.

Over the weekend I read Amelia’s piece over at Feministe about the challenge of having a member of her campus feminist group dominate discussions, try and change the direction of the group without consensus, and misrepresent the group’s Take Back the Night event (having already been insensitive to triggering rape survivors during a past group meeting). Amelia’s story is complicated by the fact that the group member in question is a guy, bringing up some important questions about how to be a good male ally in a feminist organization largely made up of women (or in any progressive organization that includes feminism as part of its social justice frame). More on that to come (although for now, check out Hugo Schwyzer’s great follow-up to Amelia’s post on how feminist men can effectively step up and step back)…but the post brings up the basic issue of establishing ground rules for group meetings or discussions in order to make things run as smoothly as possible and let everyone’s voices be heard. It’s completely possible that Amelia’s group already had guidelines like these in place, but I figured they were worth bringing up.

At SAFER trainings we like to let the group brainstorm their own discussion ground rules from the outset. But here are some that are generally important to us. Feel free to leave more in the comments.

• “One Person, One Mic”: No interrupting. One person will speak at a time
• Agreeing as a group to be respectful of each other’s feelings, and our own, and to be respectful of all cultures, races, sexual orientations, gender identities, religions, class backgrounds, abilities, and perspectives when speaking.
• Speaking in “I” statements: Don’t tell others what to do or think as if it is a command. Instead, describe your own experience. Agreeing to challenge people who make hurtful comments.
• Guaranteeing a safe space: agreeing not to repeat personal things people say during a group meeting to others.
• Recognizing our own and others’ privilege: When entering a space and speaking, being aware of privilege based on race, age, experience, sex, gender, abilities, class, etc.
• “Step up and step back”: If we usually don’t talk much, we will challenge ourselves to speak more. If we find ourselves talking more than others, we will speak less.
• Self care and group care. Don’t make assumptions about anyone’s history of sexual assault or interpersonal violence. Be aware that there may be survivors present when taking about sexual violence. If the content of the discussion is triggering, allow yourself to take care of yourself first. As a group, don’t judge anyone who needs to step out either for a few minutes or for the remainder of the meeting.

Feministe commenter Frowner also had some great suggestions from their feminist collective that go beyond discussion ground rules and speak to really defining the kind of group and space you want to develop, like establishing a mission statement all group members must agree to before joining, establishing an accountability process for when someone crosses an established boundary, and creating facilitation rules and processes. Check em out.

This is my final Beyond the Campus post. I want to take this time to say thank you to the entire SAFER team for allowing me this space, and for their guidance, passion and relentless activism. And I’d like to thank YOU, dear readers, for your conversation, linking and sharing, and general involvement with SAFER and my posts. But fear not – this is not the last of Beyond the Campus: SAFER is looking for someone to take my stead. Interested? Contact contact@safercampus.org.

Now, some quick news from this past week.

Women Undefined praised True Blood for showing an accurate portrayl of a woman experiencing flashbacks from sexual violence: “This aftermath, the day to day grind just to make it through an hour, a minute, is something people don’t see with domestic violence and rape victims…The grief, anguish and suffering of Tara was perhaps the most heart wrenching and personally touching thing I have seen on television, ever.” Feminist issues made it into the mainstream in other ways, like a piece on untested rape kits in Marie Claire, and Law & Order adapting an episode around one such story.

There were some legislative wins as well: New York made it easier for those who are victims of sex trafficking and forced prostitution, as did Bangladesh. Some citizen activism caught a cop threatening someone with rape, and Female Impersonator wrote a great piece about consent and coming out.

Throughout this whole process, though the news isn’t always good, it always made me happy to see a mainstream outlet pick up on a feminist issue, or for several bloggers to rally around one particular story to cry out its injustices. This is activism in progress. And your sharing, your re-tweeting, your comments and writing, all help to bring these issues to light.

So thank you, and keep up the good work.

~Amanda

Amanda is the author of the blog, The Undomestic Goddess.

It’s back-to-school time, and for the first time in three years I’m headed back to school too. It’s exciting, but also stressful and, especially if you’re headed to college for the first time, potentially kind of scary. Not only do you have to worry about doing well academically, making friends, securing work, etc., but you’re navigating a new social world and testing your own boundaries, all in an environment where we know sexual violence is a pretty big issue. Luckily, new and returning students have plenty of folks to offer them super useful advice on staying safe like, don’t walk around alone at night. In fact, don’t be alone ever. Also, watch your drink. Maybe you shouldn’t drink at all actually. To be safest, just don’t trust anyone, or yourself, and you should be OK. Wait, what?

Over the two years I’ve been writing for SAFER, I’ve carefully walked the line between trying to promote primary prevention education and techniques (primary prevention meaning approaching sexual violence prevention by focusing on the changing perpetrator behavior and cultural attitudes that enable rape and assault) over risk reduction techniques, without totally writing off risk reduction (risk reduction being the strategies most often given to women to ‘reduce the risk’ that they will be assaulted by altering their behavior, i.e., stay in groups, watch your drink). Because honestly, people probably shouldn’t accept drinks if they aren’t sure what’s in them. If you feel a situation is unsafe, whether it be a walk alone to the other side of campus or an aggressive person hitting on you at a party, you should listen to your instincts and call in a friend for company or backup. Some of this advice is good old-fashioned common sense that we should all have, because until we’re living in a rosier world where violence isn’t an issue, sometimes we’re going to have to make shitty sacrifices.

But that’s the thing—they are sacrifices. What frustrates me about hearing the same risk reduction techniques handed out to students every year (and let’s face it, they are always aimed at female students) isn’t just the fact that focusing on women’s behavior alone puts the sole responsibility for preventing violence on the potential victim, which I think unintentionally plays a role in enabling victim-blaming. It’s also that while telling you how you can help “protect yourself,” no one stops to tell you how fucking unfair it is that you have to do it in the first place. Few things make me angrier than the fact that I experience social situations or even just taking a walk differently than my male peers because of the threat of sexual harassment or violence. And by not giving space to that anger, these lists of safety tips, as well-intentioned as they are, continue to normalize violence as harassment as these givens—like: Men are potential threats. Learn how to protect yourself from them. That is all. This defaults men into being predators and women into staying scared. There is no room for progress, or envisioning a world in which women’s behavior isn’t seen as a predictor of the likelihood that they will be assaulted.

What if instead or alongside these safety tips for women, we distributed information on how NOT to be a rapist? What would that world look like? Can you imagine, security and anti-violence professionals across the country releasing lists every fall with advice on how to reduce your or your friends’ risk of sexually assaulting someone? For example:

• Don’t use alcohol or drugs to manipulate someone into sexual activity. Don’t stand by silently while your friends do it either
• Don’t ignore verbal and/or physical signs of discomfort when hooking up with someone
• Ask your partner what they want, or check in with them before taking things further
• Stand up to your friends who make jokes about rape
• If you see someone being aggressive or making clearly unwanted advances to another person, step in or cause a distraction
• Understand the long-term negative emotional and physical effects of sexual violence on a survivor

People who get all up in arms about critiques of risk reduction as standalone prevention effort or critiques of victim-blaming usually talk a lot about personal responsibility—women need to be responsible for their behavior too. And there’s a lot to unpack there, but let’s just address the “too”—the “too” implies that culturally we are already holding folks accountable for perpetrating or enabling violence. And by and large, we aren’t. And I could wax philosophical for a long time about why we aren’t—because it’s harder to do than telling women to protect themselves, because it involves talking about sex with young people which makes everyone uncomfortable, because it challenges long-established gender and sexual norms, and so on—but the end result is that we accept that women should go through life afraid, constantly questioning that one wrong move that might ‘increase their risk’ of being violated. And I am so, so tired of settling for that, every year, over and over again.

So this year when you go back to school, and during orientation someone tells you about how you can “keep yourself safe,” file that information away for a time when you might need it, with the understanding that the only person who can truly prevent rape is the rapist. But also, harness your frustration, and anger, and fear into something positive.  Ask if your school has primary prevention education also. Ask if they are going to address the responsibility each of your peers has to not violate each other’s sexual boundaries. If you don’t get answers you like, start talking about it to the administration, to student activists, to your school’s peer health educators, to us at SAFER. Don’t feel forced to settle.